You might be a CPA if...

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Jeff Foxworthy compiled 300 reasons why you might be a Redneck.  So I naturally in my own inimitable, irreverent, and obnoxious fashion started to consider the reasons why you might be a CPA.  After all, you might be a Redneck and a CPA as well, if not other despicable persons which propriety prevents me from listing herein.  Here goes…feel free to add to the list.

You might be a CPA if ...

  1. You like holidays because there is much less traffic on your work commute.
  2. You wear a tie while cutting the lawn.
  3. You shred yesterday’s newspaper.
  4. You count change at the cash register.
  5. You baptized your first child Deduction 214.
  6. You place your left socks in the left drawer, your right socks in the right drawer.
  7. You keep all of your receipts for seven years or more.
  8. You look like a deer caught in headlights.
  9. You work while you eat.
  10. You give up bathing for Lent.
  11. You wouldn’t be caught dead in evening wear without a mouse or numeric keypad.
  12. You acquired a brown coloring on the tip of your nose.
  13. You claim "Ex-Lax" as a moving expense on tax returns.
  14. You characterize your spouse in terms of debits and credits.
  15. You characterize friends as assets and liabilities.
  16. You declare Whiskers and Muffin as dependents on your tax return.
  17. You applied for social security numbers for Whiskers and Muffin.
  18. You include an invoice for services in your Christmas cards.
  19. You have children who are convinced that there are 5 seasons in a year:  spring, summer, fall, winter, and tax.
  20. You think sex is a waste of time.
  21. You only indulge in sex via remote access.
  22. You bring your laptop to bed.
  23. You think a CPE course is a vacation.
  24. You celebrate Christmas as the beginning of tax season.
  25. You think GAP is a clothing store for CPAs.
  26. You talk to yourself even in a crowded room.
  27. You are doing it now becuse you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
  28. You genuflect in the presence of a superior or client.
  29. You not only count your spouse’s orgasms but chart them over time.
  30. You audit your spouse’s personal bank statements.
  31. You give your spouse every year a Master Tax Guide for Christmas.
  32. You ask for change from the Church offering on Sunday.
  33. You ask your spouse for his or her credit report.
  34. You constantly remind your spouse how much money he or she owes you.
  35. You charge your spouse interest compounded daily.
  36. You log sex as billable time on your timesheet.
  37. You do not understand how to have sex without an audit guide.
  38. You take your Master Tax Guide to singles dances.
  39. You ask to see your date’s W-2 and prior year’s tax return.
  40. You sent J K Lasser a wedding invitation.
  41. You think ProSeries is a video game.
  42. You fail to see the humor in anything.

The Barefoot Accountant

About William Brighenti


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