By David Maister
The right way to give a critique.
The worst thing you can do if you want to get somebody to listen to you is to criticize him or her. As human beings we hate being criticized. When attacked we attack back. And we attack even when we are in the wrong. Right or wrong has nothing to do with it.
Many of us fall into the trap of thinking 'I know I am right, so I'm going to tell the others how silly they are!' It's tempting, but doesn't work.
If you have the self-control and the presence of mind to put aside your own ego-needs, and say, 'I've got a problem. Will you help me?' You are much more likely to get cooperation from the other person.
The only way to get anybody to do anything.
If you want to get something from another human being you must first do something for them. In other words you can't win influence unless you first invest in the relationship.
So before you need something from someone make it your business to at least get to know him or her without having any demands. This doesn't mean invading their privacy, but make the relationship personal.
For example, I have one employee - Julie - and I have learned that I should take her out to lunch occasionally. This is not something I am naturally disposed to do, but unless I show an interest in the human being then it won't work. (I still don't do it as often as a should!) If the only time she hears from me is when I want something then she would form a kind of resistance.
You are there to help
If someone comes in to criticize us or get us to raise our game, under what circumstances would we accept that person's critique?
That's easy. If I think he or she is really trying to help me then I'll listen, I'll engage. On the other hand if I think someone is just trying to get the job done, or make himself or herself look good, I may listen, because I need to keep my job, but my heart won't be in it. My creative energies will be depleted.
So the bad news is that you will only have influence over people to the extent that they think that you are sincerely trying to help them. It's not a moral point. It's simply how human beings work.
The most influential managers are those who let other people know they care.
The most common Prima Donnas are people who don't want to be team players. If one person won't fit in, the minute you are seen to tolerate their behavior, to tolerate an exception, you, as the leader, have just given permission to everybody else to do things their own way too.
You are better off without a Prima Donna if their actions ruin the teamwork of the whole group. If you want the benefits of collaboration you cannot afford to make exceptions.
Getting the task done
Each time you have an interaction with someone there are two things going on. One is dealing with the immediate topic - getting the task done - and the second is that every interaction does something to your relationship with your colleague. It either advances it, ruins it, or leaves it neutral.
Bear in mind that you should not sacrifice the task to the relationship. Similarly just winning on the task is no good if you have ruined your relationship. You've got to do well on both counts.
There is a certain style of saying things. Instead of saying 'You are wrong' it's learning to say 'Might there be another way of looking at this?'
It's about helping the other person save face. And the only way to get anybody to do anything is to make him or her want to do it. Some people are naturally good at these diplomatic human relations. Sadly many of us have to learn these skills.
I have pretty much every business degree that the planet has to offer, but no one ever taught me about managing people. I had to learn by trial and error. So for many of us it's a good idea to mentally rehearse our phraseology before we go into a meeting.
Don't be paternal
There is another trap to avoid. When you are going to give feedback to an employee it is easy to come across as paternal or maternal. Nothing is more sure to raise someone's hackles than to be treated like a child. So, as an exercise, imagine you were going in to give the same critique to your mother or father. Turn it around, and respectfully help 'Dad' arrive at the conclusion for himself.
The domineering boss
There is a natural temptation for people in charge to say 'This is how I deal with people - like it or lump it.' But if you want to influence others then it's about what turns them on, not what turns you on.
On the other hand there are bad managers who are so good at relating to people that they never actually get the job done. They are too soft and caring to inspire hard work and positive energy.
No one's the same
You don't influence everybody the same way. People do things for their own reasons - not for yours. So if you want to inspire someone you don't give him or her some wonderful company vision. Instead, you help them see what's in it for them. That varies from person to person. Some people are motivated by challenge, some by money, some by the social opportunities afforded by a project. It's about reading the other person, finding their hot button.
Interest in people
To be a good manager or team leader you have to have an above average interest in people. If you are not very interested in people it doesn't make you a bad person, but you are going to have to work hard to overcome that if you want to be a successful manager.
It's also about laying down challenges, getting people to stretch themselves creatively, and making people excited about your ideas, rather than seeing those ideas as stressful demands.
The best group leaders see themselves as catalysts. They like to achieve a great deal, but understand that they can do little without the combined efforts of others. A good manager does not see himself as the 'people's boss', but the leader of a cohesive team of autonomous, creative individuals."