Accountant Jokes
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
Submitted by:
Christine M Grierson, DB Metal Finishing, Rockford, Illinois
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
“What kind of answer did you have in mind?”
“Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.”
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
Why do people become actuaries?
Because they can't stand the excitement of accounting.
Submitted by:
John Fekete, Baratz & Associates, P.A., Marlton, New Jersey
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
When someone asked why they should get into accounting, they defined it as “the strategy of bingo, the excitement of chess.”
They're probably pumping gas now.
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
What's the difference between an IRS auditor and a mortician?
The mortician only buries the dead.
Submitted by:
M. E. Richey, CPA
Cheyenne, Wyoming
How do you drive an accountant mad?
Tie him to a chair and fold a map incorrectly.
Submitted by:
Carolyn A. McNamara
Financial Internal Control Analyst
Why did the accountant cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
The auditors have taken an inventory of thermometers held in a warehouse, in summer. The thermometers will be exported out of the country in January,
and are kept under lock and key. In December, auditors ask management to redo the inventory count. The management is surprised. "Why? Nothing has changed.”
The auditors tell them, “The inventory is overstated, in summer there is more mercury in the thermometers."
Chapter 11
"The job notice posted at the University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy.
When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings.
"I'm sure I could do it," the student proclaimed confidently. "My class is already up to chapter fourteen."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed.
Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right"
"We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
Submitted by:
Christine M Grierson, DB Metal Finishing, Rockford, Illinois
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
“What kind of answer did you have in mind?”
“Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.”
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
Why do people become actuaries?
Because they can't stand the excitement of accounting.
Submitted by:
John Fekete, Baratz & Associates, P.A., Marlton, New Jersey
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
Submitted by:
Harold Wilkes, an AccountingWEB subscriber in Keshena, Wisconsin
When someone asked why they should get into accounting, they defined it as “the strategy of bingo, the excitement of chess.”
They're probably pumping gas now.
